Evolution

Normal cute couple by day...

The possession occurs...

Frighteningly scary and evil!

Closure

After announcing that Target was now closed, they shut off half the lights (similar to what my hometown library did to get their patrons out) giving the near empty store an eerie feel. Immediately afterwards, people scurried out of various aisles and corners of the store, heading towards to checkout counters. I had no idea that so many people could have been hiding in Target. Watching this gave me the same sensation I had when I watched a throng of rats emerge out of the various nooks of a sinking tugboat and amass at the bow.

Connections

After 2 weeks of going about life without internet access at home, we are getting back online today. Yay! I have been pleasantly surprised to find how little impact the lack of internet access had on me the last two weeks. Other than mild inconvenience, I didn't miss it all that much. But that's not to say I don't want it back. So three cheers for the cable guy.

Besides, I'm sure Nathalie is glad to be able to watch Trading Spaces again.

Revealing

The problem with medical practice is that you're not allowed to say "I told you so" to your patients. Well, I guess you could, but that would be poor form. And would also decrease your popularity.

A not-so-uncommon situation goes like this:
Me: If you leave the hospital without undergoing treatment XYZ, complication ABC is going to happen!

Patient: I don't care. You can't make me stay! You don't know anything about me. I'm leaving.

[Patient returns to hospital with complication ABC and in worse condition.]

Patient: [groans] Oooh doctor, you were right. I feel terrible. Fix me.

Poltergeist

There's something about being alone at night, working up in the attic, dimly lit by a bare lightbulb that induces the imagination to go nuts.

"Wouldn't it be nuts if the attic door slammed shut on it's own?"
"Was that a cool breeze I felt?"
"What's that noise?"
"I hear breathing. I definitely hear breathing."
"Is this part of the attic inexplicably cooler than the other part?"
"What if you get down from the attic and all the furniture has been rearranged?"
"That collection of dust looks strange."
"That collection of dust is moving."
"Does that collection of dust look like a word?"
"Why does that shadow over there look like a noose?"

After getting down from the attic, I concluded that:
   1: I've watched way too many horror movies.
   2: I need a horror movie holiday.
   3: I need a stiff drink.

Arachnaphobia

Halloween decorations are everywhere, the hospital being no exception. With Murphy's Law in full effect, I ran into a fake cobweb that somebody had put up on my way to conference this morning.

My pending heart attack subsided immediately after the realization that I ran into an artificial spiderweb. Thankfully nobody witnessed my tarantella, and I spent a better part of 10 minutes picking off the stupid wispy crap off of myself. Considering that I had my M&M presentation this morning and needed to appear impeccable, the fake cobweb wasn't a good accessory with my shirt and tie.

However, I somehow failed to see the brown plastic spider that had lodged itself in my hair, which appropriately fell off onto the podium midway through my presentation with a light thud and nearly induced a second heart attack for the morning.

I managed not to stain my pants and finished my presentation without further incident.

Intermittent

How you know you've met the right person:

Reason #22: An explosion of expletives directed at the driver in front of you results in fits of giggles from your beautiful passenger, followed by her joining in the tirade.

Pause

Nathalie and I rendezvoused at the fountain in front of the hospital this morning. She was ending her night shift, and I was starting my day shift. We sat on the park bench holding hands as the morning dew fled from the sunrays and our conversation wandered lazily from topic to topic.

We caught a few smiles from people as they walked into work, and we smiled back, happily enjoying our morning lull.

Prognosis

Walking through the ICU today, I noticed that 2 of the 5 patients on the Transplant service had the "O" sign, 1 had the "Q" sign, and that the other 2 appeared relatively well.

The "O" sign: Patient lies in bed with mouth gaping open. Usually the patient is unconscious (or at the most minimally responsive), quite ill, and not doing so well. Seeing your patient's health decline to this state is not good. But with proper medical care, they may recover.

The "Q" sign": The patient has the all the features of the "O" sign, except that the tongue hangs out the mouth. This indicates continued deterioration from the "O" sign and demonstrates a dismal chance for full recovery.

None of these signs have scientific documentation declaring their prognostic abilities, but their accuracy in predicting patient outcomes is frighteningly on target.

Orangina

In the spirit of Halloween, Nathalie and I went out and bought 2 large pumpkins. They looked quite content sitting in our grocery cart. A fellow shopper even remarked how pretty the pumpkins looked. Nathalie and I felt quite proud of our superb pumpkin selection.

I mentioned to Nathalie that we should eat them once Halloween was over, pending that our pumpkins don't get smashed by neighborhood hooligans. But that suggestion was returned with a look of disgust, so I may nix that thought of homemade pumpkin bread.

Illusion

I decided to rearrange my furniture over the weekend, and as luck would have it, I found a box of "Moving Men" while browsing through Home Depot.

"Moving Men" are these plastic discs impregnated with Teflon. You put one disc on each corner of a piece of furniture and it will then float around the room with minimal effort. To demonstrate, the picture on the box shows this little woman pushing around a sofa with just one hand.

Since everything I own weighs more than I can fathom, I impulsively bought a box thinking I have saved myself from some work.

Ah... so wrong.

It's quite amusing that these plastic "Moving Men" behave just like real, actual moving men.

+ First of all, those "Moving Men" don't work that well. As with real human moving men, I'm putting in a lot more effort than the "Moving Men"

+ While pushing a piece of furniture around, you realize that one of the "Moving Men" discs have slipped off and disappeared someplace. Probably taking a cigarette break like actual moving men.

+ The "Moving Men" refuse to stay in place. You place one "Moving Man" on each corner of the bookcase, and when you get to the other side of the room, 2 of the "Moving Men" have given up and have stayed behind. As if to say, "Yeah, the other two guys can help you move that bookcase. We'll stay here."

+ After struggling with these "Moving Men" for 30 minutes, I dismissed them, just like I would have done with actual moving men.

+ Lastly, I realize now that the picture on the box is not of a woman pushing the couch, but of a woman leaning on the couch, exhausted from pushing the couch around. Perhaps that is why the woman was not smiling.

Confection

We reopened the patient's abdomen along the previous incision to find that the newly transplanted pancreas had become ischemic and turned the color of blueberries. No, change that to blackberries. A far cry from the healthy golden yellow it was just 7 hours ago. The staff surgeon and I looked up from the wound and stared at each other.

A string of explitives exploded from the staff surgeon. The newly transplanted organ was unsalvageable, the surgery was a failure, and this would be added to the M&M list.

M&M list? Unfortunately, not a list of our favorite candy coated chocolate colors. Instead, Morbidity and Mortality.

M&M has truly facilitated the advancement of medical treatment on a clinical level. The presentation of failures and complications from the previous week allows others to learn from your mistakes. Surgeons of varying subspecialties and expertise attend the conference, offering fresh perspectives and suggestions on how a dismal outcome might have been avoided. Unfortunately, those suggestions can also come with a hefty dose of berating criticism.

It's not very fun standing in front of an auditorium full of staff surgeons presenting a slide show called "How I Screwed Up."

It looks like I'll be spending some time with Powerpoint for my M&M presentation this week.

Arithmetic

Given the following facts:

     A: It rains a lot in New Orleans

     B: People generally improve at a skill with repetition

One would assume:

     A + B = Average New Orleanean proficient with wet weather driving

But sadly, that is not so.

Strangely, the opposite is true, and my morning commute took twice as long due to a light drizzle. But I entertained myself by compulsively screaming out "GO!!" at random intervals in Tourette's fashion.

Roger, Roger

Rumor has circulated that the hospital will equip the nurses manning the newly built ICU with headset walkie-talkies/cellphones. The goal being that now the nurses will have two hands free to do work while talking to other nurses or physicians. I'm not quite sure what to make of all this. Am I working at a hospital, or Old Navy?

Donation

"Can you make sure I don't get a Nigger liver?"

My eyes snapped up from the patient's chart and I stared back in disbelief. I must have misheard. This is my third transplant case in three days. I'm a little exhausted and sleep deprived, and I must have heard incorrectly. I looked blankly at the patient, trying to understand what I -

"Doctor, I associate freely with their kind, but I don't want a Nigger liver living inside of me."

My disbelief quickly turned to disgust. I looked at my patient, sitting in bed, receiving a priceless gift and another chance at life, having the gumption to even voice such a request.

I informed the patient that our policy protects the anonymity of the donor patients and that sometimes I don't even know much more about the donor patient other than that the liver is suitable for transplantation. She looked back at me blankly. She didn't seem satisfied with my response.

But I had enough. And with that, I closed her chart, wished her luck, and made my way towards the OR.

Unfortunately, racism is not a factor in determining transplant surgery candidates.

Starlight

Come away with me and we'll kiss
      on a mountaintop
Come away with me
     And I'll never stop loving you
                                   - N. Jones

The Debate

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I'd like a money order for $500 and 3 Powerball tickets.

Clerk: [Spies my debit card] You can't use a credit card for money orders.

Me: I know. This is a debit card.

Clerk: You can't use debit cards either. You can only pay by cash.

Me: I've never heard of that policy. I've used my debit card before. This card takes money directly out of my checking account and it's just like cash.

Clerk: Sir, I've been working here for a long time and we only take cash for money orders. [Starts shaking her head] No credit cards. No debit cards. Cash only.

Me: You expect me to carry around $500 in cash?

Clerk: [Raises voice a notch, eyes start to bulge] Sir, cash only.

Me: [Notices the "Trainee" label on her nametag] Can you confirm that with your manager?

[Clerk calls manager via overhead PA. Manager arrives momentarily, confirms that debit cards can be used to purchase money orders]

Clerk: [Gruffly] So what is it that you wanted?

Me: [Swiping my debit card through the keypad] A $500 money order and 3 Powerball tickets.

Clerk: [Ringing me up] Is that credit or debit?

Precipitation

Unlike other parts of the world, when the meterologist mentions on the evening news that there is a 75% chance of rain, it means something completely different in regards to New Orleans.

It means it will be raining on 75% of the city.

It's taken for granted that it will rain in New Orleans with 100% certainty.

Transaction

Everything beeps in the hospital. Monitors, ventilators, pagers, elevators... Residents are quite adept at filtering out all those extraneous beeps except for that of their own pager. Or perhaps the current electronic medical device at use.

So it's no wonder that I just walked away from the ATM as it beeped after me.

"BEEP BEEP BEEP!" The machine screamed after me in vain, trying to get my attention. Trying to inform me that not only did I leave the card in the machine, but that I failed to indicate whether or not I wanted another transaction. The machine, by beeping wildly, was successfully advertising the fact that it was primed and ready to spit out some more cash.

So fast forward 7 hours to me at the grocery store:

Open my wallet to pay for the rotisserie chicken and notice that the inside of my wallet looks different. A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach develops as I realize that the area of the wallet where the ATM card sits is empty. Nope, after replaying the scene several times in my head, I don't ever remember removing the ATM card from the machine. Nearly stain my pants. Nauseating sensation acutely decreased after cancelling my card and finding out that nobody has used my card since my morning transaction. Lucky.

Scirocco

Maybe it's because I spend 85% of my time dressed in scrubs. Or maybe it's because I'm generally sleep deprived. Or maybe I've suffered some sort of set back.

Whatever the reason, half the time that I wear actual pants with a zipper that needs to be zipped, I forget about it. It never used to be like this.

Difficult to cultivate that patient-physician trust when you're seen outside in public with your fly open.

Cheetah

I approached the chauffeur standing next to the pristine white limo. "You're here for the transplant team?"

He nodded and introduced himself as Roy. I introduced myself as well, and stooped to enter the car as he opened the door.

But halfway in, I stopped.

A disco ball, leopard print seats, fiberoptic lighting, velour walls, and colored lights decorated the inside of the limo. It was as if I walked into a mobile night club. Strangely, a country-western song was playing softly in the background. Off in the far corner sat a resident that I've never seen before, wearing his white coat, scrubs, and a bewildered look on his face.

I backed out of the limo. "Roy, you're with the transplant harvest team? Going to Houma?"

"Yes. We're rented out of our usual limos. This party limo was the only one left."

So I shrugged and got in the limo. The rest of the transplant team soon followed, each boarding the car with a look of perplexed concern.

One of the guys asked, "Where are the strippers going to sit?"

Combo No. 5

"Is that the chef delivering his own food?" I asked, peering over my glass of iced tea.

It must have been. He wasn't the hostess or the waiter. Or the guy that brought us the basket of bread. And he was dressed like a chef.

Not only was the food at Cafe Degas delicious and amazing, it was also a steal. French onion soup, mini steak kabob and salad, filet mignon, and roast duck for less than $60. And the price got better after we presented a $15 off coupon. Bargain city!

The only drawback being that Cafe Degas prints their menu in French, so deciphering the menu is a challenge. They courteously print the list of major ingredients of the dish in English, but it still doesn't help with items like "La Brochette" or "Aiguillettes de Canard" for the uninitiated.

It's interesting that most Chinese, Vietnamese, or other Asian restaurants have gotten into the habit of just numbering the various items on their menu. Perhaps they got tired of hearing Westerners butcher the names of their favorite dishes. That's pretty much the reason my name was changed. It would have been funny if I was renamed a number.

Cobalt

The color of hospital scrubs has absolutely no bearing on the quality of a residency program offered there. However, just in case I ran into the dilemma of choosing between two programs that were equally strong, I decided to use the color of hospital scrubs as the tie breaker. This was my mindset when I interviewed for a residency 4 years ago. Yes, I realize the ridiculousness of it all. The quality of cafeteria food would have been a better tie breaker.

Thankfully, it never came down to a tie breaker when choosing my residency program. The one I am at now exceeded my laundry list of "wants" in a program and I happily chose to be trained here. However, I was a bit sullen to find that the hospital used green scrubs. Obviously, I am not a big fan of green scrubs.

Just recently, the hospital decided to trash the green scrubs and change over to blue scrubs. This change was met with varying degrees of emotion from the employees and residents. I, however, was elated to find out that I get to spend the rest of my residency wearing my favorite color.

Plinko

First of all, not only do I find it amazing that Bob Barker is still hosting the Price is Right, but that he's still alive. I remember watching this old guy host that gameshow when I was a little kid some 20 years ago. I'm now a grown man and he's still kicking, as if he's been sucked into some Groundhog Day like timewarp. Bob and his sidekick Rod Roddy must have signed a deal with the devil because the two of them are as spry as kittens.

But I'm deviating from my point. When I was a child, I thought it was totally unfair that one person would have a chance to win a car, and the next contestant would get to compete for... a washer and dryer! Whoo-ee! Yeah boyeee!

But now that I'm actually shopping for a set, and amazed at how much people will charge for a large bucket attached to a motor, I don't think I would be too disappointed to win a washer and dryer set myself. In fact, I'd probaby be jumping up and down just like those fools on TV.