Parchment

Bear Grylls is my hero. No, he won't replace my dad, who's the ultimate hero, but Bear Grylls is definitely a frickin' superstar.

His show, Man vs. Wild, is like crack. No, it is crack.

And I'm certain that I'm picking up lots and lots of interesting tidbits so that the next time Nathalie and I find ourselves in a dire situation, which tends to happen whenever we go on vacation*, we can use the various survival tips from his show and get out alive.

On a recent episode where he was in the middle of the African Sahara dying of thirst, he dispersed yet another survival pearl: In absolute emergency situations where you need water, and you've already drank your own urine, go find a heap of fresh elephant poo, pick up a large chunk, hold it above your head, tilt your head back, and squeeze the water out of it and drink it.

And to demonstrate that this can be done, he did it.

Nathalie: [gagging] Aaaah!!!

Me: [wretching] Yaargh!!

After some dry heaving, Nathalie and I looked at each other and came up with the same conclusion: F*ck that. If it ever comes to that, it looks like we're just gonna have to die.

Funny thing, several minutes later, Bear found a river with fresh water rushing through it.

Good thing I'm not the star of the show because I would have spent the rest of the show mad as hell just cussin' my brains out. The Discovery Channel would've had to trash that episode.

But you've got to hand it to the man that practices what he preaches.

Watch the clip:

*Recent near-disaster adventures during vacation:

• Maui - Got lost in a bamboo forest in the dark, almost killed by a demonic tree and a possessed bull
  
• Aruba - Got quasi-stuck in a small cave with 2 wimpy flashlights, next thing we know we're surrounded by a billion shrieking bats flying around us. That stuff you hear about bats using sonar when they fly to avoid running into things? Complete bullshit.
  
• Aruba - Later that week our Jeep's tire blows out while 4-wheeling in the wilderness, stranded with a spare but no jack. Once we got back to civilization, we put the kabash on any more off-resort activities.
  
• Natchez Trace Trail - While hiking a semi-abandoned trail, a 5-inch long killer spider jumps on my face. It's attempt to kill me were thwarted by my crazed "get-the-spider-off-my-face" dance.