Lockdown

Just because you're crazy doesn't mean you're immune from surgical disease. So every so often I get a consult from a psychiatrist to come see one of their inpatients who has developed some condition that requires my input.

And this should never come as a surprise, but the patients in the lockdown psych units are never like what's portrayed on TV. Sure, they're a bit eccentric and unkept, but so are the majority of the patients that I see just sitting around in the regular hospital floors. It's only after you get to talking to them that you realize, "Wow, this guy's nuts!"

So I was pleasantly surprised when the patient I was talking to this morning seemed perfectly normal... other than thinking that his cat told him that she would kill him in his sleep.

Regardless, I was asked to come by to look at his left arm, which had swollen to nearly three times normal. And as I was busy examining his left arm, it occurred to me that he was masturbating.

I had two choices: ignore it, or address it. As I was trying to figure out what I should do, he finished.

He then looked at me with a goofy smile on his face.

For Pete's sake.