Friday, January 13, 2006


I'm sitting in clinic, powering through patient after patient, when someone taps my shoulder. I turn around a see a heavy-set man in a grey suit.

"Are you Dr. Hamster Wheel?"

"Uh..." I hesitate reflexively and involuntarily, trying to figure out why this guy is looking for me, "Yes." There's no reason to lie, my name is printed on my frickin ID badge hanging off of the lapel of my white coat.

Handing over an envelope, he informs me in monotone, "I have a subpoena for you. You are to appear at the State Court of Louisiana."

Damn! What the f###?

Like an idiot, I mutter a Pavlovian "Thanks" as he hands the envelope to me. He then turns and leaves my clinic. I sit there holding my envelope, trying to figure out why the hell I'm going to court. My mind reels in disbelief and confusion. Who the hell is trying to sue me? What the hell could I have possibly done to get myself into legal trouble?

I tear open the envelope and read the subpoena. It's actually a case of the State of Louisana versus a private individual. The state wants me to testify for them against this person. I'm not sure exactly why I've been asked to appear. I've never heard of this guy. And I'm definitely not an expert witness of any sort by any means.

I breath a huge sigh of relief. The blood returns to my head and I no longer feel like throwing up. My head stops spinning. Nothing like the false alarm of a lawsuit to get your heart racing.

It's nice to know that I'm not being sued. Then my relief is short lived when I realize that the court date for my appearance happens to fall right in the middle of my upcoming vacation in Hawaii.

Damn! What the f###!? I knew I should have bought that trip cancellation insurance. Damn!! Double damn!